My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
