Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
