The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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