Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
