Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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