I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
