Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
