Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize