Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
