I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
