What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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