Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
