he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Vodka?
Forever.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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