I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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