i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
