She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
