she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hippo gnu deer
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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