I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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