I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
