I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
