It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
