I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
