I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
