So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
