Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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