she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
