When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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