I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
