Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
