3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
