my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
