I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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