i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize