I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
