Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
