you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
