Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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