im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize