A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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