You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
