I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
