I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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