i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
