So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
