yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
