Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize