I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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