They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
