guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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