Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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