dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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