The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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