Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
