Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
