I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
