Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize