he wants to bone in the snuggie
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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