I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize