my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
