One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
