Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
